I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
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