don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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