nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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