Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
