Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
