Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I think im going to throw up on grandma
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
