The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
