Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
