Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Just invented taco cereal.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
