I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize