you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
