Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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