My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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