All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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