You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize