Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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