dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
