I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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