Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Bring me that man meat
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
