No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
