I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
