I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
