my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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