my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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