You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
