I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
