from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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