Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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