I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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