Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
