Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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