It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
