He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
