Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I supernannyed him into submission
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