dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
