I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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