I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
