my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
