I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
