You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
