I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
