I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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