Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
