Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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