Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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