the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
