I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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