Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize