I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
