I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Jerry, you need to find god
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
