I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I touched a dick in church today
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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