Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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