No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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