she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
