i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
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