if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
