Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize