morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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