If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
