well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize
