I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Randomize