she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
