My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
