There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
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