So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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