I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
MIDGETS
????
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
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