is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
