wrigley field is MILF paradise
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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