You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
