he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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