I think I won the penis lottery.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
